I sent these exact words to my sister via text message yesterday: “This is going to sound loony, but would you want to go rollerskating tomorrow?” Luckily, she accepted, and now we’ve just got to find a rink that hasn’t already shut down due to lack of enthusiasm for one of my favorite past-times. Seriously, tweens, why do you hate rollerskating? You know that’s what we old people did, like, every weekend, right? You guys suck.

Anywho, then I made a playlist because I’m sure the rollerskating rink music is still as lame as it ever was (re: awesome).

(found this while Google-imaging)

The Archies, “Bicycles, Roller Skates and You”
The Runaways, “Eight Days a Week”
The Chordettes, “Lollypop”
The Bird and The Bee, “I’m Into Something Good”
Regina Spektor, “Dance Anthem of the ’80s”
The Brunettes, “Red Rollerskates”
The Bangles, “Eternal Flame”
Tim and Eric (well, really, David Cross), “Pizza Boy”
Brigitte Bardot, “L’Appareil A Sous”
Scarlett Johansson, “I Don’t Want to Grow Up” (haters, see yourselves to the left)
Bing Bong Brothers, “Wait (You Guys)”

LOLLERSK8Z (<- download link, y’all!)

Wait, explanation is needed. We’ve already discussed my roller derby dreams. Tryouts are in November and I haven’t been on wheels in, maybe, fifteen years. I’d like to start my own version of training soon, but the next paragraph and the fourteen chapters following it will explain my uncontrollable-reservations. As for PAWS – if I had unending finances, and acres and miles of housing, I would adopt every single animal on the planet. Unfortunately, neither of those things exist for me, so I’ve decided to volunteer instead. Of course, there are selfish benefits to this (something to do! cuddling kittens!), but really, I just want all of those little pets to be as loved as possible. And I am the candidate-iest candidate you’ll find! I’ve got orientation on March 21st to learn the ropes. Can’t wait! As for the Girl Scout – no, I will not do her. First of all, I don’t even know who she is. Second, she’s a little kid. But jokes aside, I never had the chance to be a Girl Scout as a little, uh, girl (sad face sad face sad face infinity). Just last month, I watched Troop Beverly Hills for the first time and, because I live my life according to television and film, I’ve wanted to be a Wilderness Girl ever since! Anyway, I know I won’t get to be a real Girl Scout, but I’ll get to do all of the stuff they do (including wearing a cute outfit, I think, right?!?!?!) while also shaping and forming minions of little future MEs!

But after the planning comes the doing, and this is where I find myself staring at the future instead of making it. And then a million different thoughts and concerns and hopes and wishes abound, jumping in front of the windows of my eyes, and I eventually spew sentence after sentence of deep, dark pain hidden with wit, and written almost nonsensically. So, enjoy, friends!

I’m beginning to feel there isn’t much to me other than celebrity crushes, redheads, and Nancy Drew. At least here, anyway. I’ve opened up a bit in the past, but I’ve kept things far too surface. I’ve got a good number of blogs on my Reader that I aspire to become (Keiko Lynn and Hannah and Landon‘s, to be specific), but it’s like I’m too shy and stuck in the muck to make it so. I long for the day I’m comfortable enough with myself to start thrifting again. I was one of the only people I knew that regularly shopped at thrift stores in high school. I became such good friends with one store that, when they closed, they gave me a giant record player and bunches of things to play on it as a “thank you for your patronage!” gift. Because of my unhappiness with my body, though, I really pay no mind to what I wear anymore. I just buy stuff that fits, regardless of how I actually feel about the item. It’s really frustrating, but it’s become near impossible for me to fight my way out of this funk!

Since high school graduation (maybe even senior year, in general), I’ve just had this pulsating “blah”. I didn’t apply to colleges when I should have; I didn’t go to classes when I did, eventually, attend college; and I’ve been through over thirty “careers”. I’m only twenty-five, y’all! I’ve had more jobs than years I’ve lived. Not at all sane!

Anyway, the next eight years have been spent spiralling in and out of full consciousness. I wasn’t hard-up on the drugs or anything!, I’ve just been not living. It sounds so utterly dramatic, but there is no better way of explaining it. We all have moments of realizing how quickly life is going, but that feeling seems to never leave me. And that feeling, in itself, has me depressed. It’s a cycle. I’m depressed because I’m “fat”, I’m “fat” because I’m depressed. I’m depressed because the years are flying, the years are flying because I’m depressed. And with the amount of years I’ve wondered if I’m depressed, you’d think I would’ve taken the initiative to find out for sure. But no. I’m a right, stubborn little jerk and insist that I fix myself on my own. It’s only recently that I’ve realized that, unfortunately, I can’t. No amount of pushing (from me or anyone else) is getting me out of the emotional and mental shell that I or life has created in me. I’ve felt so guilty, too, being this way. Like I really am just a lazy, excuse-ridden brat that doesn’t want to help herself. I really, really do want to help myself, though! But it just isn’t that easy. To a normal mind, it’s the easiest way out: just, you know, do. But that jumpstart is where my mental engine chokes. Doing feels like the hardest thing in the entire universe.

Oof. So, maybe I didn’t mean to get so personal and in-depth here, but I don’t feel like tinkering out a new entry, replete with the same amount of fancy speak. Maybe this’ll explain why I’m shy and outgoing, tired and energetic, and excited and bored, any given time my “real-life” readers encounter me. I always enjoy company, I attack new friendships with so much fervor that I live in constant fear of scaring away, and I’m a lot nicer and funnier than what my stone-like exterior shows when you first meet me (or, really, hang out with me at all; I act as though I’m going through a new awkward initiation every time I hang out with someone).

But the point I’ve been reaching to in this entry, is that I’ve really got to do some changing. I am not giving up on my roller derby dreams, and I won’t not make more goals to achieve this year as well (hey, PAWS and Girl Scouts is new, eh? eh?!?!). I’m hoping by the time my birthday gets here, I’ll have gotten some thrifting done and will want to take pictures of myself in those thrifted items – and then post those pictures online! Whoa! So, I’ve got all the planning done, and now I’m at that scary brink of doing. Maybe all of the therapeutic writing I’ve just done will help. Probably not, but I am over being lost in the fog. I am going to shoo my way out whether I like it or not. And I am going to be a giant baby about it, so:

Recent-crush Bethany and I had a work/school-week, Wednesday night movie date at her place (complete with root brewskies and the most delicious calzones I’ve ever had!). I brought with me (500) Days of Summer (something she hadn’t seen), Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (something I haven’t seen), and Whip It! (something neither of us had seen) – we both sort of jumped at the idea of watching Drew Barrymore’s cinematic directorial debut and immediately loved our decision. This movie, it was delightful.

So, yeah. This is happening, dudes. I’m still dreaming of earning a spot on any of the Philly Roller Girls teams. They’ve got auditions once per year (I actually attended the last one, but didn’t try out; I just wanted to see what it was like), which means I must get it together, Tyrone! I wonder if any buddies of mine would want to join with me. Or just sponsor me or support me or kick my ass into frigging doing it, finally!

Anywho. Here are more stills from the movie because these girls are beautiful. And a big ol’ “well done” to Drew for making this thing look amazing! (I know she reads this.)

This kind of reminded me of that scene at the end of Labyrinth (another movie I saw recently and for the first time with Bethany!).

Mélanie Laurent has already had a pretty incredible past year, touring the world promoting Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds – in which she plays the revenge-ful, giant-faced Shoshanna – and I gauge she’ll just get bigger and better. Thus far, her immediate film releases find her sticking to French, but she will star in a film called Beginners with Ewan McGregor and Christopher Plummer in 2011. And I can only imagine her going the route of another love of mine, Marion Cotillard, by making a somewhat seamless transition into more American films.

Aside from acting, though, she has an amazing life in general. Born from a ballerina and the French voice of Ned Flanders (her dad is a voice actor), she grew up in the 9th arrondissement of Paris (which is, apparently, a big deal?) surrounded by the arts. On top of the numerous films she’s acted in, she’s also a pretty successful screenwriter and director – and, here’s where I Hulk-smash, she’s only twenty-six. She currently dates and resides with singer-songwriter, Damien Rice, in Woodstock, New York where, I’m pretty sure, they’re working on her debut album.

Now, on almost the opposite side of the spectrum (they’re both actors, after all), there is Jason Sudeikis. Currently Not Ready For Prime-Time Players-ing it up on Saturday Night Live, and formerly Liz Lemon’s love interest, Floyd, he’s really come into his own these past few SNL seasons. His celebrity impersonations are nothing compared to the original bits he’s created or had written for him (ESPN Classic has quickly become my favorite thing – in general – on earth), and he’s finding luck in Hollywood as well. He’ll co-star in the Gerard Butler/Jennifer Aniston film, The Bounty Hunter (released on March 19th), and the everyone-is-in-this-movie!, Going the Distance, later in the year. On top of that, he’ll obviously retain his charm every Saturday night on SNL and Sunday night, voicing some characters on The Cleveland Show.

Born George Wendt’s nephew in Virginia (true story!) and raised in Kansas with his two sisters, Daniel (his real first name) was hired as a sketch writer for Saturday Night Live in 2003 (and subsequently became a Player two years later) – at the recommendation of Jeff Richmond, Tina Fey’s husband (I should find a way to work Tina into every single post I make here). He was married to 30 Rock writer, Kay Cannon, but they are currently separated (THERE IS HOPE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!).

This past Monday, I spent the better part of my day at my dad’s house. I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end of the board game CLUE (a Christmas gift from said “dad”), and we finally decided to break it out. I used to play the game loads as a kid, but I hadn’t played it in … maybe nearly fifteen years? With all of my talk about what an “amateur sleuth” I am, and all of my Nancy Drew-obsessiveness, I was nervous to play. What if I was bad at it? What if I couldn’t guess correctly? What if I’d been a fraud all along?

Now, I’ve heard that there is a way to play the game which causes you to win each time. I’ve no clue how that is even possible, but suffice it to say, I don’t do whatever that is. I’d rather win, fair and square. And, it’s fun to play and win, but it’s also nice to play with admirable opponents. So, I’ve decided to let loose on some of my tricks of the sleuthing trade:

Keep track of everyone’s guesses. If you’re playing with amateurs, they’ll likely make guesses that don’t include any cards they already have. So, if a new player guesses Mrs. Peacock with the Candlestick in the Hall – they, most probably, have none of those cards. New players don’t know how to trick. Unfortunately, my littlest sister fell into this category on Monday. She was closest to the Dining Room, and was on her way there; she took one look at her cards and changed her mind. Clue!!!!

Throw the other players off. Every so often, guess a character or weapon you have, just to see which ones the other players have or don’t have, and to let them think you don’t have said character or weapon (or room, for that matter).

Keep track of everyone’s cards. If someone makes a Suggestion that includes two of your cards, and someone disproves it by showing one of their cards – duh, this means that the third part to that guess isn’t in the envelope containing the Murderer, Weapon, and Room! For example, say someone makes the same guess as above – Mrs. Peacock with the Candlestick in the Hall – and you have Mrs. Peacock and the Candlestick, but someone shows the guesser one of their cards. That means they’ve got the Hall, so you can cross that off of your Detective’s Pad!

Ok, I thought I had more tricks, but that’s pretty much it. There’s not much else you can do without just flat out cheating. Which is both wrong and lame. Wouldn’t you want to be a full-blown Trixie Belden or Hardy Boy, the real way, instead of just pretend?

Mystery is serious business for me.

Pretty much, the only sports I care about are gymnastics and baseball. Gymnastics is only exciting every four years (and even then, the girls are just more scary than entertaining). Baseball gets to be exciting every year! And for many games! And sometimes into October! And this year, probably into November!

My boyfriends, the Philadelphia Phillies, have just beat the Los Angeles Dodgers for the title of National League Champions; and, thank goodness, because Ashley and I are planning a trip there in a few weeks! It would’ve been pretty traitory of us had they lost.

Here are some pictures!

Ahn. I kind of miss you, Patty Girl!

(What? I love the Backstreet Boys.)

And then this because Chan Ho looks pretty banging, am I right ladies?!

Name: Chase Cameron Utley
Occupation: Major League second baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies
Status: Married to some animal-loving bitch that’s not me
Most known for: er – playing second base for the Philadelphia Phillies
Recently known for: his “World Fucking Champions!” outburst on daytime, broadcast television after the Phillies won the 2008 World Series
Up next: uh, hopefully World Fucking Championing the Phillies again!?!?!?!?!?
Why you crushin’?: I was lucky enough to land an awesome friend, years ago, who had an extra ticket to Game One of this Playoff series, yesterday, where I was overcome with crushing feelings of “that boy is handsome” all over again about this guy. Add to that the fact that they won the game and the people around us were hilarious, and it was just birds and hearts flying around my head for hours. (I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point.)

Apprehensions about this include: I’ve never broken a bone, and I don’t plan on ever breaking a bone; I bruise easily without even knowing it, imagine how many bruises I’ll have and knowing the precise moments they happen; and I’m poor.

But, whatever. I’ve missed being on a gymnastics team for over ten years now, it’s about time I get back into the only type of sports I love: the kind I’m probably good at. And it coincides with my weight-loss journey! My goal is to sign up for training, at least, upon losing (my first) twenty-five pounds. Like, when I’m around 150. That seems forever away, but whatever. I’ve already lost three pounds since this post.

What should my roller derby name be? I’m thinking JASMINSANE!