(artist’s rendering)

Name: Christopher Jonathan James Nolan’s brain
Occupation: Master of writer/director Christopher Nolan’s skull
Status: Well, married to Christopher’s long-time producer, Emma Thomas’s brain, I suppose
Most known for: thinking up and making movie-real a few of the most amazing pieces of film on planet fucking earth; you know, like, Memento, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight, for instance
Recently known for: INCEPTION, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Up next: the next Batman movie, and maybe even a Superman movie – What!
Why you crushin’?: I think I said enough about Inception. On top of that, this brain has thought up those previous films I mentioned, which I’ve also said lots about before. Just, I fucking love this dude’s brain, okay? Here:

So, I went to TGIFriday’s beforehand to food. I only went to this particular place because it’s located in the same parking lot as the movie theatre; I mean, fuck. They had a DJ “spinning sweet tracks” in there. Totally not a place I frequent. I had some lemonade and fried string beans and mashed potatoes (because I’m five), and then walked over to the theatre. It wasn’t as insane as the midnight Toy Story 3 experience, but the characters (watching the movie, not the ones in the movie!) were just as annoying. I digress.

I pop in a No-Doz (and almost fucking choke on it, for real) and get ready for my mind to disintegrate. The trailers beforehand were all kinds of “meh,” but the lot of us super-enjoyed the preview for M. Night Shamalamadingdong (okay, M. Night Shyamalan’s) Devil. And by “super-enjoyed,” I mean that we all sat in silence during the trailer and then erupted into a chorus of groans once his name popped up onto the screen. Then we laughed at ourselves because we’re awful people.

Alright, movie starts: ten minutes in, I’m already, practically, looking around me with my hands up like, “What is going on, am I right, people?” Well, I mean, listen; I’m totally a smart person (despite the conversational way I write and ironic usage of “totes” and the like). I completely understood everything that was happening, but sometimes you just have to be like, “What!,” you know? Because what you’re seeing – in this movie – is something your brain has probably never even imagined. How Christopher Nolan’s head isn’t oozing brains right now is a mystery I’ll never solve. We all dream. We all (maybe) wonder what it’d be like to travel into someone else’s dreams and thoughts, but this movie just brings it to levels of dream and reality and story that you can’t even begin to think of. And I think, probably, more than any other living human. As I’m typing this, I’m also thinking of a number of other things. My brain never stops, which is why I tend to accidentally sleep in shifts. I trail off mid-sentence, or run through several tangents of story. Sometimes I lose my breath because all of my thoughts fever pitch and eventually, like, explode inside of my mind.

And that is exactly how this film will make you feel. Like you’re a fucking lunatic. Because I’m a lunatic. Yes, you’ve been reading the ramblings of an insane person this whole time! Obviously! But, for real. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that this movie brought to fruition my sometimes wonder about whether or not this is reality. (That sentence was stupid.) I mean, totally, I know that I’m in real life right now, but yeah. I’m just saying… things. I don’t know, dude. I’m, like, wide awake and exhausted at the same time right now. Here are a bunch of stills, I guess (no spoils abound, promise!):

Pictures stoled from here, y’all.

Wait, hold on. Can we just talk about how every single piece of human in this film was uh-buh-banging? Because, yes.

Name: Pretzel m&ms
Occupation: Chocolate candy
Status: Well, owned by Mars
Most known for: colorful candy shell, delicious milk chocolate
Recently known for: crunchy salted pretzel
Up next: travelling to my belly
Why you crushin’?: they are so incredibly delicious! I’m not sure how or why it took so long to fill an m&m with a pretzel. Maybe the science wasn’t as easy as it sounds; maybe lots of engineering and failed attempts were made until it was just so. I feel like these things should’ve been existing all along. I’ve been slowly emptying my 30 oz. party size bag. It’s getting down to the bottom of the bag and temperatures are going to be nearly and actually in the hundreds the next few days. I might need to reload before the sun annihilates my motivation to leave the house.

I swear I’ll have some more serious crushes in the coming weeks. I just feel so uninspired by humans lately. Womp-womp.

I Make Monsters, steffbomb.com

Name: T.A.M.I. Show
Occupation: A 1964 concert film (yes, I have a crush on a concert film this week)
Status: Um, well, it featured The Barbarians, The Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, James Brown and the Famous Flames, Marvin Gaye, Gerry & the Pacemakers, Leslie Gore, Jan and Dean, Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, The Rolling Stones, and The Supremes
Most known for: uh, being collective footage from two obviously amazing concerts that took place in October of 1964, that featured that day’s biggest stars
Recently known for: in 2006, the film was named to the National Film Registry by the U.S. Library of Congress, and it’s first authorized release came this March when Dick Clark Productions finally put it on DVD
Up next: unless you count me watching it every day, nothing
Why you crushin’?: I mean, come on. It’s fairly obvious by now that anything having to do with the 1960s is the greatest thing in the world to me (save for racism and sexism obbbvs). While The Ronettes and The Beatles are sadly missing from this concert and, therefore, film – and, though I can barely stand Diana Ross – I still found myself flipping the fuck out when I finally watched it last night. It started and didn’t fucking stop for two straight hours. Fast songs, slow songs, songs I knew by heart, songs I’d never heard – James Brown and his cape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he dropped to his knees, I, literally, said aloud, “Shit! Someone bring him his cape!” and a dude totally brought him his cape. Anyway, not only were the performances outstanding, there were also a good amount of dancers on stage with them that didn’t. quit. Oh and, no big deal, but Tony Basil and Teri Gaar were two of those dancers! I definitely want to watch it again so I can find them. Some girls were in bathing suits, one dude was probably the lead singer of TV on the Radio; I can’t even explain to you how badly you need to find this thing and watch it to death.

Alright, I just checked: you can’t watch it online at Netflix, Amazon, or Hulu, but you can totally rent or purchase it, respectively, at those first two places.

Name: Michael John Douglas (a.k.a. Michael Keaton)
Occupation: Actor, Batman
Status: Divorced from his baby-mom, actress Caroline McWilliams, in 1990, and then dated Courtney Cox for a bunch of years in the nineties, too!
Most known for: he was Batman, Beetlejuice, AND Mr. Mom
Recently known for: playing dads to actresses I liked and now no longer like all that much in Herbie: Fully Loaded (Lindsay Lohan) and Post Grad (Alexis Bledel), and also directorial debuting (The Merry Gentleman) and lending voice to Disney/Pixar films (Cars, Toy Story 3)
Up next: he’ll play police Captain Mauch to Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg’s mismatched detectives in the upcoming The Other Guys, which also stars Steve Coogan (swoon!), Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, and Eva Mendes (among others)
Why you crushin’?: I mean, the dude was my favorite Batman, first of all. Also, I trekked out to a midnight showing of Toy Story 3 Thursday night, and his Ken completely stole the show. He was magnificently Kennish. Wikipedia says Keaton had a failed standup comedy career, but his comedy was gold in this. And in Beetlejuice! I mean, I know he’s reading from a script, but there’s only so much written words can produce, you know? But yeah. I also really enjoyed the very underrated The Merry Gentleman. It was a long film, and darker than I like to see my Bruce, but he was still great in his role. I don’t know, I don’t know; I’m just still high from Toy Story 3 and how completely insane he was as Ken’s voice.

Name: The Futureheads – Barry Hyde, Ross Millard, David “Jaff” Craig, Dave Hyde
Occupation: Wikipedia alleges they are “a four-piece English, punk band from Sunderland”
Status: Well, aside from them collectively dating me, I believe I noticed a wedding band on Barry, but I’m not sure about the others
Most known for: their Queen-like harmonies and Devo-like beats (I might’ve just made that up)
First known for: their Kate Bush “Hounds of Love” cover that broke them into the U.K. charts and sent them touring with the likes of The Foo Fighters, the Pixies, and Elton John (wha!)
Up next: well, they’re continuing to tour in support of their just-released album, The Chaos, and they just finished shooting their next video (I can’t remember the name of it, though, because I’m the worst)
Why you crushin’?: boof, okay. Well, I first simultaneously heard and saw this band in concert almost exactly four years ago. I was on a “redheaded lady singer” kick (basically Neko Case and Jenny Lewis/Rilo Kiley and Rainer Maria) for a long while, and these dudes were my first break from that. Their show was also my first time inside of the sweaty unders of the First Unitarian Church in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Anyway, they were so beyond and I fell in total like-like almost immediately. Of course, I spent the next few years “discovering” so much music (new and old) that the Sunderboys sort of fell away from my immediate thoughts. Even when they released new albums, they seemed to continually find themselves lost in the pack of other newly-released music that I tried to ingest all at once (an impossibility!). But then, the other day happened. And I’ve vowed to never under-appreciate them ever again! They played at the Church once more (pretty sure I lost one million pounds down there) – with The Like as their opening act, come on! – and I just had the greatest of times. I actually, like, jump-danced and stuff. And then, even moshed. I know, right? They played impeccably, they joked unendingly, they were totally un-understandable when talking at times (oh, accents); I just want to live that night every single night. I am truly contemplating taking a trip to anywhere to see them play again. I so wish I could see them again before they head back overseas. Oh, yeah, and they’re all fucking cute as hale.

Oh, fuck! I almost forgot the most important thing! This happened (on Twitter, obvs) –


Basically, I’m near dead now. Bye!

P.S. The meaning behind the title of this entry is as follows: at the show, the boys mentioned the year and film 2012. Philadelphia, being ourselves, someone then shouted, “I love John Cusack!” Cool story, bro.

Well, anyway, I’ve been ape about them. I read about them years and years ago, and have had their Are You Thinking What I’m Thinking? for just as long. When Bethany directed me to their new video/song, “He’s Not a Boy”, though, I nearly lost all of the marbles. Everything aligned to perfection. The video reminds me of several scenes in A Hard Day’s Night, the song is totally my cup-of-tea-sixties mixed just so with Mark Ronson. Then, I saw them open for The Futureheads the other night (more on them tomorrow, hint), and it was just love-love all around. I even had the chance to speak to bassist, Laena, about the wonder of fans in a hot church. And then felt how soft drummer, Laura Dern Tennessee’s, hair was when the girls (minus lead singer, Z) came out and moshed in front of me to the end of the The Futureheads’ set. Then she swished beer on everyone and bros in jorts got real serious about moshing, and my night wasn’t as fun as it’d been merely seconds before. But I digress.

Here are some pictures, taken from here. Read the interview. Despite Tennessee’s beer showering transgressions, I still love her.