(artist’s rendering)

Name: Christopher Jonathan James Nolan’s brain
Occupation: Master of writer/director Christopher Nolan’s skull
Status: Well, married to Christopher’s long-time producer, Emma Thomas’s brain, I suppose
Most known for: thinking up and making movie-real a few of the most amazing pieces of film on planet fucking earth; you know, like, Memento, Batman Begins, and The Dark Knight, for instance
Recently known for: INCEPTION, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Up next: the next Batman movie, and maybe even a Superman movie – What!
Why you crushin’?: I think I said enough about Inception. On top of that, this brain has thought up those previous films I mentioned, which I’ve also said lots about before. Just, I fucking love this dude’s brain, okay? Here:

So, I went to TGIFriday’s beforehand to food. I only went to this particular place because it’s located in the same parking lot as the movie theatre; I mean, fuck. They had a DJ “spinning sweet tracks” in there. Totally not a place I frequent. I had some lemonade and fried string beans and mashed potatoes (because I’m five), and then walked over to the theatre. It wasn’t as insane as the midnight Toy Story 3 experience, but the characters (watching the movie, not the ones in the movie!) were just as annoying. I digress.

I pop in a No-Doz (and almost fucking choke on it, for real) and get ready for my mind to disintegrate. The trailers beforehand were all kinds of “meh,” but the lot of us super-enjoyed the preview for M. Night Shamalamadingdong (okay, M. Night Shyamalan’s) Devil. And by “super-enjoyed,” I mean that we all sat in silence during the trailer and then erupted into a chorus of groans once his name popped up onto the screen. Then we laughed at ourselves because we’re awful people.

Alright, movie starts: ten minutes in, I’m already, practically, looking around me with my hands up like, “What is going on, am I right, people?” Well, I mean, listen; I’m totally a smart person (despite the conversational way I write and ironic usage of “totes” and the like). I completely understood everything that was happening, but sometimes you just have to be like, “What!,” you know? Because what you’re seeing – in this movie – is something your brain has probably never even imagined. How Christopher Nolan’s head isn’t oozing brains right now is a mystery I’ll never solve. We all dream. We all (maybe) wonder what it’d be like to travel into someone else’s dreams and thoughts, but this movie just brings it to levels of dream and reality and story that you can’t even begin to think of. And I think, probably, more than any other living human. As I’m typing this, I’m also thinking of a number of other things. My brain never stops, which is why I tend to accidentally sleep in shifts. I trail off mid-sentence, or run through several tangents of story. Sometimes I lose my breath because all of my thoughts fever pitch and eventually, like, explode inside of my mind.

And that is exactly how this film will make you feel. Like you’re a fucking lunatic. Because I’m a lunatic. Yes, you’ve been reading the ramblings of an insane person this whole time! Obviously! But, for real. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that this movie brought to fruition my sometimes wonder about whether or not this is reality. (That sentence was stupid.) I mean, totally, I know that I’m in real life right now, but yeah. I’m just saying… things. I don’t know, dude. I’m, like, wide awake and exhausted at the same time right now. Here are a bunch of stills, I guess (no spoils abound, promise!):

Pictures stoled from here, y’all.

Wait, hold on. Can we just talk about how every single piece of human in this film was uh-buh-banging? Because, yes.

Name: Cillian Murphy
Occupation: Film and theatre actor, Irishman
Status: Married to visual artist (pft), Yvonne McGuinness, with whom he has two children (the sighest of sighs)
Most known for: playing the villainous Scarecrow in Batman Begins (and for a second in The Dark Knight) and a creeper trying to kill my precious Rachel McAdams in Red Eye
First known for: heroing it up in that movie I definitely watched, but can’t remember, 28 Days Later
Up next: INCEPTION, STARRING, LIKE, EVERYONEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (can’t wait, obviously); also, that Sienna Miller movie, Hippie Hippie Shake, will be out at some point (I guess?) and filming on At Swim-Two-Birds (with Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Collin Farrell, and Brendan Gleeson) begins in September
Why you crushin’?: alright, so, check it. The first time I saw this dude was, just, at press stuff. Like, pictures of that press stuff online. I didn’t think much of him (and was actually pretty frightened by the intensity of his eyes – though, nothing can compare to this dude’s (why so like that, bro?)), and I didn’t bother seeing his films (I just wasn’t interested in girls with pearl earrings, okay?). Well, then my nerd self excitedly midnight-madnessed up Batman Begins and I found myself, “oh, hey!”ing the screen whenever this magnificent creature came upon it. Though he cameod in The Dark Knight, I still kind of forgot about him until the other day when I watched this video (I’m not sure why that other guy is petting his own knee for three straight minutes, but I digress). Now, as you may have guessed, he plays American a lot. I knew he wasn’t American, but I’d never heard him talk in interviews, or anything, so I wasn’t prepared for my body to convulse with pleasure upon hearing his normal speaking voice for the first time in my existence. I mean, I totally, eventually watched 28 Days Later, but I think I fell asleep and, as I’ve said, I don’t remember it, so forgive my late-to-the-Irish-accent-ness. I’m just saying – dag. He barely even talks in that interview, but it still made me feel this way:

Name: T.A.M.I. Show
Occupation: A 1964 concert film (yes, I have a crush on a concert film this week)
Status: Um, well, it featured The Barbarians, The Beach Boys, Chuck Berry, James Brown and the Famous Flames, Marvin Gaye, Gerry & the Pacemakers, Leslie Gore, Jan and Dean, Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas, Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, The Rolling Stones, and The Supremes
Most known for: uh, being collective footage from two obviously amazing concerts that took place in October of 1964, that featured that day’s biggest stars
Recently known for: in 2006, the film was named to the National Film Registry by the U.S. Library of Congress, and it’s first authorized release came this March when Dick Clark Productions finally put it on DVD
Up next: unless you count me watching it every day, nothing
Why you crushin’?: I mean, come on. It’s fairly obvious by now that anything having to do with the 1960s is the greatest thing in the world to me (save for racism and sexism obbbvs). While The Ronettes and The Beatles are sadly missing from this concert and, therefore, film – and, though I can barely stand Diana Ross – I still found myself flipping the fuck out when I finally watched it last night. It started and didn’t fucking stop for two straight hours. Fast songs, slow songs, songs I knew by heart, songs I’d never heard – James Brown and his cape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When he dropped to his knees, I, literally, said aloud, “Shit! Someone bring him his cape!” and a dude totally brought him his cape. Anyway, not only were the performances outstanding, there were also a good amount of dancers on stage with them that didn’t. quit. Oh and, no big deal, but Tony Basil and Teri Gaar were two of those dancers! I definitely want to watch it again so I can find them. Some girls were in bathing suits, one dude was probably the lead singer of TV on the Radio; I can’t even explain to you how badly you need to find this thing and watch it to death.

Alright, I just checked: you can’t watch it online at Netflix, Amazon, or Hulu, but you can totally rent or purchase it, respectively, at those first two places.

Name: Michael John Douglas (a.k.a. Michael Keaton)
Occupation: Actor, Batman
Status: Divorced from his baby-mom, actress Caroline McWilliams, in 1990, and then dated Courtney Cox for a bunch of years in the nineties, too!
Most known for: he was Batman, Beetlejuice, AND Mr. Mom
Recently known for: playing dads to actresses I liked and now no longer like all that much in Herbie: Fully Loaded (Lindsay Lohan) and Post Grad (Alexis Bledel), and also directorial debuting (The Merry Gentleman) and lending voice to Disney/Pixar films (Cars, Toy Story 3)
Up next: he’ll play police Captain Mauch to Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg’s mismatched detectives in the upcoming The Other Guys, which also stars Steve Coogan (swoon!), Samuel L. Jackson, Dwayne Johnson, and Eva Mendes (among others)
Why you crushin’?: I mean, the dude was my favorite Batman, first of all. Also, I trekked out to a midnight showing of Toy Story 3 Thursday night, and his Ken completely stole the show. He was magnificently Kennish. Wikipedia says Keaton had a failed standup comedy career, but his comedy was gold in this. And in Beetlejuice! I mean, I know he’s reading from a script, but there’s only so much written words can produce, you know? But yeah. I also really enjoyed the very underrated The Merry Gentleman. It was a long film, and darker than I like to see my Bruce, but he was still great in his role. I don’t know, I don’t know; I’m just still high from Toy Story 3 and how completely insane he was as Ken’s voice.

Well, anyway, this celebration is off to a great start; I know nothing about one of my heroes and I feel right shit about it. I’m dramatic. So, you know how Tina Fey is my life? Well, Louis C.K. is also my life, but the redhead dude version. If those two had ever married and had a kid, it would’ve been me that popped out. Like Tina, Louie is a brilliant writer (Late Show with David Letterman, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, as well as various projects with Chris Rock), and just an insane and funny person. He also seems like he’d be nice in real life.

I planned on making him my Ginger in March, but then his new FX show, Louie, was pushed back to premiere at the end of this month instead. I’ve been waiting so impatiently at this point, I feel like throwing up. I’ve now watched the (NSFW!) Bobby Canavale preview below four hundred times.

Follow him on Twitter! He’s threatening to quit again, but I’d be really sad about that.

Name: Sam Rockwell
Occupation: Actor, Dancer
Status: Though he’s never been married and never wants kids (bonus!), he’s been dating Leslie Bibb since late 2007 (BOOOOO)
Most known for: uh, like, appearing in everything? Charlie’s Angles, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind, Matchstick Men, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, Snow Angels, Choke, Frost/Nixon, shorts and episodes of Stella, etc.
Recently known for: being snubbed for a Best Actor Oscar nomination for his work in the film Moon, and tan-hands’ing it up as Justin Hammer in Iron Man 2
Up next: just a few weeks ago, it was announced that Mr. Rockwell will work with Jon Favreau on another comic book adaptation, this one being Cowboys & Aliens (with Harrison Ford, Daniel Craig, Olivia Wilde, and Paul Dano); also, F–K (with Jesse L. Martin, Mariska Hargitay, Christopher Meloni (L&O roundup!), Bobby Cannavale, and Leslie Bibb (boo, hiss)), Betty Anne Waters (with Juliette Lewis, Minnie Driver, Hilary Swank, Clea DuVall, and Peter Gallagher), and Sweet Baby Jesus (with Kim Cattrall, Bette Midler, and Bill Nighy) all due out this or next year (shit, I’m panting while I catch my breath right now)
Why you crushin’?: well, aside from how alarmingly attractive he is, how hilarious he is in every part (regardless if it calls for hilarity), and how much I want to carry him around with me always – there’s also his sweet, sweet dance moves. Seriously, just YouTube “Sam Rockwell dancing”; there is, literally, nothing better.