Yesterday, my little Meeko was put to sleep. I didn’t have the chance to say “goodbye” to him one last time, and I didn’t even know it was happening until mother updated her Facebook status with the news that it had already been done. He’d been in bad shape for some time (“going” wherever he felt like, coughing), and talk about letting him go had been discussed and discussed for a few months; that stuff still doesn’t prepare you for it or curb the anger you feel when it happens without you knowing.
I haven’t had a chance to properly let go of any animal I’ve had. Whether it was the time my favorite cat on planet earth, Roxanne, was surprise-taken to the shelter when I was in 5th grade; or the time my dad had our first dog, Liebe, put to sleep without telling us about it first; or the time I went to an interview at Kohl’s and came back to find out my stepdad had put our dog, Winslow, “out of his misery”; or the time I brought Frankie to the vet because he was sick and mother came home without him; or the time Screwball went outside one day and just never came back (I searched for him for weeks after) – I haven’t ever gotten to hold my pets and say “I’ll love you forever and I’ll see you soon” before they left me for good.
When things were tough in childhood, Roxanne and Liebe were there to hug and cry with. When living with my mom and stepdad became nearly unbearable, Meeko, Frankie, and Winslow were there to cuddle and make me feel welcome. When I worked long, hard hours at the bookstore (that sounds ridiculous, but it’s true!), Screwball was there to run from the woods as I pulled into the driveway and walk me to the house. Then he’d sit on my lap the rest of the day.
Meeko was teensy-tiny when my stepdad, of all people, brought him home. It was late, raining, and he was a newborn, stranded in the street. He had all kinds of medical problems, but we nursed him back to health. I’ll always remember that first night we had him, though. I was laying on the kitchen floor and he was traipsing through my hair. He was a shy, little guy who didn’t go outside very much (until Frankie died; he became depressed after that and would often stay outside for days at a time). He was part Siamese, so I cleaned his leaky eyes every chance I had to see him. He was big and heavy, but I always welcomed him onto my lap; plenty of times I’d have sleepy-legs by the time he jumped off. He loved headbutting; it wasn’t meant to hurt – he was trying to nuzzle – but his dome was hard as a rock.
I didn’t see him the last time I picked up my mail from mother’s house, but I didn’t think it would be my last chance to. I wish I had more pictures of him. He enjoyed sleeping in my shoes.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, and that you weren’t able to have closure. Your memories in this post are exquisite, however, and will last longer than anything else you could upload or frame.
Thank you. You’re definitely right about the memories meaning much more than pictures. I hope I never lose them.
I’m sorry to hear this. It’s so sad that you’ve never been able to properly say goodbye to a pet. I can’t honestly relate to this, yet. We weren’t allowed to have pets when I was growing up. So, at age 28, I finally have the first two pets of my own, my rats, Janey and Abby. I love them with all my heart. And maybe I’m overreacting, but I already think about what it will be like when they’re gone. It’s not that I’m obsessed with death or anything, it’s just that rats don’t live very long, and tend to have a lot of health problems too, so in a way it’s just something I have to think about. Anyway, I can’t imagine what it would be like not to be able to say goodbye. So I guess this touched me in a way that I can finally understand. I don’t know why some people seem to think that grieving for a lost pet isn’t the same or isn’t as important as grieving for a lost human being. I hope you’re able to cope with it in time.
I feel the same way! Some people just don’t understand that pets kind of mean the same or more to some people than other humans do. I mean, I can’t have conversations with them or completely relate to them on a regular level, but they’re always there – no matter what mood I’m in or what I’ve done or not done. They don’t judge or make you feel like poop. Don’t worry, you’re not weird at all, thinking about their impending death! Animals just live shorter than we do, I think about it all the time, too. Thank you for your kind words!
Ummm now that I’m reading this I realize that I too have never had the chance to properly say “goodbye” to one of my animals. My first dog was put to sleep without us knowing. I actually always thought he just passed until a few years ago when my dad was talking about putting him to sleep so that was awesome. My first cat, Dusty, ran away and never came back. Then Misty died in her sleep and my mom lied to me via text and said she was really bad and they would have to go put her down. That left me with tons of guilt because I was so heartbroken I couldn’t say goodbye before she was put down, when in reality she had already passed. So I definitely know how it feels to lose an animal. You’re right, people who don’t have pets don’t get it. My family has always treated pets as family so when one goes, it feels like a family member has been lost. The cool thing is she’s probably hanging out in awesome pet heaven with all of your other animals so she has plenty of company. That wasn’t meant to sound weird. Also, I’m still sad about Winslow. I miss him coming to my house randomly.
Ugh, it’s seriously the worst! It’s so weird, because these pets are our family and when they’re just taken away from us, without notice, it’s almost like we’ve been feeling more for them than our parents had. Like, I know it might be ridiculous to compare, but no one would pull the plug on a grandmom without telling the family first, so why not show the same courtesy to our animals? I obviously care about my pets much more than I care about most human beings, so stuff like this just really fucking hurts.
That totally didn’t sound weird; our pets are totally hanging out together in pet heaven right now. I’ll never forget all of those times Winslow walked me to my bus stop and then came back when I’d be dropped off after school. He was the best. :(
:( i’m so sorry Jasmine!
Thank you, lady. I hope you get your furry friend soon and I hope he lives forever!