America’s Next Top Monster.

So, you know how I’m unreasonably into America’s Next Top Model? Well, lucky for you, it looks like the time has come for me to start talking about it for hours on end again! Actually, I don’t really talk about it that much. I give my pre-cycle Ugly-to-Ugliest picks (which this will be), and I let Rich do the weekly recaps because he’s actually good at recapping things. I’m the worst fucking storyteller on the planet. I am impossibly bad at telling people “what happened” on any given television show, in any given movie, and about any given thing in life. I give too many details, I lose track of my concentration, and end up leaving out important things. What I’m saying is, never ask me to speak to you.

The contestant photographs have been released and I don’t know what the fuck they’re wearing. Here’s how I feel about them, in order of least-gross to most-gross:

Ren says her occupation is “Living”. She’s real lucky she’s pretty, else that would’ve annoyed me. (Ok, it still annoys me.)	Angelea is an “Answering Service Operator” (mmmhm), and I almost changed my mind about her because of the way she spells her name.
Simone looks like Dr. Saroyan from Bones, so I kind of like her. Though, that actress was Michael’s bitchy baby-mom on LOST, so I don’t know what to believe.	Jessica‘s head is a little on the thin side, but her occupation is “Model”, so I think I’m just being picky here.
Despite her looking far too Green Hornet-y without actually being the Green Hornet, I like Brenda because her name is Brenda. So eighties.	Anslee is making the most annoyingly pug-smug face here, but she’s probably pretty otherwise. She also kind of looks like Brittany from last cycle.
This half of Alasia‘s face is passable, but who knows what’ll happen when I see the rest. Though, I feel like she pulls of this AA-spandex-leotard-my nightmares-look the best.	We’re getting to the bottom here, but I honestly think Tatianna will look a million shades prettier without that dookie-colored lipstick. And she needs a new hair color.
Is Alexandra the plus-size of the season, or am I being mean? Obviously, she is not at all fat, but TyTy can be awful.	I feel like if you just ignore the size of Krista‘s forehead (and I’m not throwing stones here, I’ve got a sixhead on me myself), she’s pretty pretty.
I feel like if you just ignore Gabrielle‘s chin (and I am throwing stones here, as I haven’t got a Big Jaw Leno), she’s pretty.	There’s just about nothing flattering about this picture of Raina. ‘Specially those ‘brows. And the crotchal-area.
I’ll probably regret putting Naduah all the way down here, based solely on her bawn hay’d, but that’s how this whole thing works, yes?

Looks like the next cycle will be premiering March 3rd. I’ve had premiere and finale parties in the past, but I feel like attendance has dwindled to such a point that throwing a bash would be unnecessary. Perhaps a live-tweeting is in question!