I’m about to get real. Like, really real-real. And I almost hate that I’m making this post during the aftermath of what happened last week, but I assure you it has absolutely, positively, nothing to do with that. I’ve thought about making this post for far too long, and I’ve put it off for far too long; for what this post deals with will require almost immediate action on my end. And that is why it’s taken me this long to finally settle down and put my fingers to work. Because then the rest of me has to.
(Me, about three years ago. Little did I know what those Cheetos could do to me!)
So, you know how I’m fat now, right? Like, and I didn’t used to be and now I am? (There is no fucking way I’m putting an after-shot up here, sowy.) Well, I’d really like to fix that. I’ve done it before, but it seemed much easier back then and I’ve got no clue why. I’ve never been a bonetone or anything, but I’ve also never been this large. It sucks. And I hate it. And I want it to go away. Forever. It sucks. :(. Years and years ago, I ended up gaining forty pounds and pretty swiftly losing fifty. A lot of this probably had to do with my then-new vegetarian diet (and toward the end I went vegan, but gave in to a vending machine bag of M&Ms), but I don’t doubt that I can do the same thing again (and probs going vegan and staying because me + animals = unhealthy amounts of love).
Here’s where it’s the realest of real. I’m going to put my numbers out there. Girls almost never tell their weight (even when they’re ninety pounds), but I’m going to because, I guess, I hate myself. I mean, yes. I do hate myself, but only the self I am now. So, if I put my numbers out there, for my three readers the world to see, maybe the embarrassment of it all will kick me into gear. I think it will. If it doesn’t, I am probably a lost cause and should just end it all now. Oh, man. Here I go. Well, let’s go back in time first. I was around one-forty when I first gained those forty pounds, years ago. The lowest I remember being within the past several years, after I’d lost those forty plus ten, was one-twenty-eight. Slowly and surely (and birth control is the devil, so is being depressed), I inched my way up to – my highest (which was around December) – one-ninety. Since then, I’ve lost fourteen pounds. So, do the math because I don’t want to type it. That’s what I am. Fuck it – I weigh one-seventy-six right now. (I am going to smash my face into a wall.)
Now, I’m not trying to say that anyone who weighs this much or more is fucking gross and should feel terrible like I do. No no no fucking way. This is all about me, my life, my personal feelings on the way I, personally, look and feel about me, personally. Person! Moving up and down in weight so often can leave one feeling a stranger in their own skin. I’ve never been this large, or close to it for a long amount of time, so it’s new to me. And I, personally, don’t like the way it fits. So, I don’t want anyone out there to feel bad about themselves or hate me for feeling bad about myself. You know? Everyone has their specific idea of what they, personally, want to be and how they want to feel. I want us to be in this together. Don’t make me sing that song from High School Musical, because I will.
I wanted to make this post, mostly for the selfish reason of kicking my ass, but also to inspire anyone else looking to lose any amount of weight. I want to check in, offer advice (seriously, just because I gained a bunch of dumb weight doesn’t mean I don’t know how to lose it – life and laziness interfered, and that’s the only excuse I can give), and support anyone who wants to support me. I’ve already got my schedule prepared. There will be hours of jumping around in my living room to Jillian Michaels. And I have no air conditioning. And since dropping my birth control (TMIIIIII!!!!), my appetite has already dwindled to one-third of what it was (and, actually, four pounds melted away, too – I was one-eighty not even last week).
So, there’s that. Let’s get going, yeah? (Tomorrow, though, obviously.)
I claim all the time the reason we have no air conditioning is to help me drop some pounds. AND THEN some total loser at Sephora told me I should only diet in the winter, when my body burns fat to keep me warm? So all this sweating is doing nothing?
I’ve definitely heard that sweating isn’t everything. You’re basically just losing water/water weight, but getting yourself to a sweat means you’re pumping enough to get your heart rate up, which is how you lose weight. Basically, when you’re moving enough to be sopped in sweat and out of breath, you know you’re doing it right.
But fuck bitches at Sephora because they’re always skinny.
Thank you so much, baby girl! I think you are a cutie-patootie as well. And, I am so in your boat – I’m not trying to look like Mary-Kate Olsen or anything, I’m just trying to be my former self!
Seriously, I can’t even think in this weather, I hate it.
I think that you’re one of the most beautiful girls that I’ve ever seen, but I totally know how you feel – I weigh slightly more than I did when I graduated from college last May, and while I think that I’m prettier/cuter than I was then, I do want to improve myself… though mostly in regards to looking and feeling healthier, rather than skinnier, if that makes any sense.
I was gonna write more but I’m so exhausted from the heat u_u
Yes, yes, yes!!! I’m planning on putting in my stats and stuff each week (or maybe every other week; probably that one). I really need to just get on it. It’s so hard to even think about getting up in this heat, but it would be nice to go back to school slightly smaller than when I left it! And I’m trying to drop this weight as fast as possible so I can quit worrying about it. I hate it so much! Being a girl sucks because it’s harder for us to lose weight :(.
Yes, please!! I’m planning to check in every week or so with my updated (hopefully, lower) weight. I so need to start using the gym at school. I guess when I get back in the fall it’ll be easier. Congratulations on the ten pounds, too!
Same here! I’d be totally fine with me if I were as hot as Joan! It’s weird seeing people I think look about the same size as me, and then I find out they weight ten-twenty pounds less. I’m like, huh?! Aw man, wedding dress shopping is so stressful! I hope it’s fun for you, though!!
We should start a no ac/weight loss support group. I was doing the celebrity fit club diet 2 summers ago and lost soooooooo much weight but it made me an insane basketcase, so I stopped the diet part & kept up with the excercise for a while. Then it got into those “oh my god, my ass is sweating & I’m not even moving” days of summer & I got way lazy. It’s so hard for me to even think about working out in this heat. I used to have a friend check in on me (BY REQUEST) to see if I was at least doing crunches every day, but he is tall & in way good shape & I felt like he was putting me down. so maybe if I have others in the same boat as me I’ll feel more inspired or something? Yeah?
OMG! It’s like you just told MY story in that blog. I’m trying to lose weight too. I’ve lost 10 pounds so far! Let’s check in with each other or be gym buddies or something.
i’m in the same boat with you, jazz. and weight is so strange – it’s totally different for every person! i know girls my exact weight or right around it that look fierce but on me – i know it’s not right. it’s funny because i just joined weight watchers online this morning. my pants are a little tight and i’m going wedding dress shopping soon. couple that with turning 30 and i’m just like “eh” about myself right now. although, i wouldn’t mind the number on the scale so much if my body looked more like christina hendricks’.
[...] But, whatever. I’ve missed being on a gymnastics team for over ten years now, it’s about time I get back into the only type of sports I love: the kind I’m probably good at. And it coincides with my weight-loss journey! My goal is to sign up for training, at least, upon losing (my first) twenty-five pounds. Like, when I’m around 150. That seems forever away, but whatever. I’ve already lost three pounds since this post. [...]
Ugh. I can relate to this post so much! I’ve been gradually gaining weight over the last few years, and am no longer the skinny penny I was back when I was a starving vegetarian 19-year-old working at the movie theater. Though I haven’t gotten ridiculous out of control, it IS a little disconcerting that my thighs touch when I wear skirts or dresses, and that I can’t wear pants or underwear that I wore even a year ago. Unfortunately, I am yet to get to the stage where NOT doing something about it isn’t an option.
It’s definitely tough going from a two-Big-Mac-eating, tiny little gymnast to what I am now. I know I’m not completely out of control (and I don’t think I look as much as the scale tells me, at least), but still!
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